Trust Yourself
Believe what you see, hear and feel.
About a year ago I heard the writer Anne Lamott interviewed and she shared her experience of being the adult child of alcoholics (which I am also). She pointed out that when you are a child, in a house where there is alcoholism, you unknowingly sign a contract to stay silent. By doing that you learn NOT to trust what you see, because the environment in the house is denying that what you see is true. You learn not to trust your intuition and your instinct. There is a lot of lying, covering up, and complexity. Is that water or vodka in the glass? Denial and stories that contain small and large lies are a part of your existence. Therefore, she points out, as an adult you have to teach yourself how to trust; to trust that what you see is real; that you can trust your intuition and your instinct.
This struck me like a bolt of lightning. I knew that being the adult child of alcoholics has been extremely impactful for me, and has had lasting consequences. I also know that it is not an uncommon situation for many. However, I had not heard anything like this, and I had been on my journey to understand myself better for years. How was I in denial? How was I not trusting myself to believe what I saw or felt?
By numbing out with sugar. By staying busy with social engagements and children’s activities. By living with an eye towards always avoiding hard feelings. By striving to control my environment by keeping my house and yard neat and tidy. By telling myself that my dissatisfaction with my life was my problem - I wanted too much. By avoiding conflict at all costs. And by never really asking - myself or others - for what I wanted or needed on a deep level.
You may not have grown up in a household with alcoholism. There are many other family dynamics where there is lying, secrecy, and a feeling of unease. Even the best parents and family units leave their children with issues that will carry into adulthood. Taking a look at this for ourselves is not about blaming but about creating understanding.
Do you trust your instincts? Are you distracting yourself in some way when uncomfortable feelings come up? When your physical body has a reaction to a situation or person do you just ignore that reaction? Do you give weight and space to your intuition? Pay attention. Take a small step.
