Identify Your Stories
What stories are you telling yourself?
That you have no right to ask for more? That you do not deserve greatness in all forms? That it is too hard to do something different or to try something new? That asking for what you need will upset people who are close to you?
The stories you tell yourself will either lift you up or tear you down. They will help you move forward or keep you stuck in limiting circumstances. Changing the story you tell yourself has an enormous impact in discovering a life that feels like a good fit.
These were the stories I told myself for decades:
That my seeking something outside of my role as wife and mother was asking too much.
That whatever I might find, the logistical challenges would be too great/not worth the effort (i.e. commuting, child care).
That I should be satisfied with my life. I am privileged - I am lucky to be able to stay at home with my children. Look at all the hardship in the world. I should not complain. Who was I to want or expect more?
I spent the majority of my children’s lives at home full time. For years I had a strong internal struggle as I yearned for a daily life that felt somehow richer, more rewarding, one where I felt more valued. So many others I knew seemed to enjoy being a stay at home mom - what was my problem? As time went on I felt increasingly dissatisfied, restless, and agitated. Around age 40 I decided that this was no way to live and called a therapist.
For the next 12 months I went weekly and it was life changing. I learned a great deal about myself, and about how the mind works. Many of my struggles did (indeed!) go back to my childhood. My parents had fought regularly and in order to not make their fighting worse, I stayed small, quiet, and did not ask for much. It felt like there was no room for my needs. All of this was subconscious, so it was news to me, but once we fleshed it out, it made perfect sense. In addition to the fighting, my parents both worked a lot. As a result there was not a lot of support for me and my siblings, and a lot was expected of us from a relatively young age.
What I learned in therapy is that although I had very consciously chosen to stay home full time, my subconscious was pushing me to give my children the kind of mother I never had - traditional and ever present. Therefore, I was, in a way, putting up all these barriers to changing my role somehow (see number 2 and 3 above), keeping myself trapped. The best way to understand this is that there was something driving me to “stick with it” that I was unaware of. Not only was I trying to be the kind of mother I did not have, I was still staying small, quiet, and not asking for what I needed.
You cannot fix or change what you do not see or understand. These limiting stories I told myself also crossed over into other ongoing struggles I have had. Now I see the stories when they pop up around a particular circumstance, and it has taken professional help (a couple of times!), good friends, and a lot of self examination to move past the stories and see how limiting they have been, and for such a long time. These were my biggest stories, but there are many others that float around that are not serving me. It is a work in progress.
What is your limiting story(ies)? What is the origin of the story and is it true? What is it costing you to hang on to the story? What are the other ways to think about it? Are you using your stories to keep you stuck?
