Sugar Sugar
Photo by Isabella and Louisa Fischer on Unsplash
Sugar, sugar - you were everything to me.
I was so attached to sugar that it ran my life. It all began when I stopped working full time, and was home with my baby and toddler. It was a hard time for me, a lonely time for me, and I began to fill the time, and combat the lonely feelings with cookies. I not only bought cookies, but I had always loved to bake, and now I had plenty of time to bake, and time to eat what I baked.
This relationship started innocently enough, but like any toxic relationship, it became problematic and by the time I was in my mid 30’s this attachment to a sweet treat now and then had become an addiction.
Some say that sugar is not addictive. That was not my experience. Nearly ten years passed before I realized it was a problem; I was very busy with my kids, house, husband, family and friends and the days went quickly. I was also paying NO attention to what I was eating. It was all moment by moment, and eating whatever I wanted, when I wanted.
As I headed into my 40’s and realized that the weight was slowly creeping up, I tried to give it up, or at least cut back, with no success. If I did not get my afternoon sweet I felt pissed, shaky, agitated, and absolutely overcome with cravings. It was physically uncomfortable - like I was addicted. I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin.
Fast forward a few years and my weight had hit the highest number I have ever seen on the scale - so I decided to join WW. When I was on my weight loss journey, I did cut back on the sugar; practiced portion control and found substitutions. But, I kept the habit of having something sweet every day. The habit did not get in the way of my weight loss, but...
I spent many years, at my weight goal, continuing to struggle with this compulsion. I have shared this personal struggle of mine many times over the years in the meeting rooms.
The struggle to have just one or two cookies, not 10;
The struggle to be honest that the cookies I brought into the house were really for me, not my family - they did not really eat them or care whether or not we had them;
The struggle to resist the homemade baked goods that I had on hand all the time as a result of my baking business;
The struggle to go to the grocery store and resist buying the items;
The struggle to not stop at the great bakery and get something.
This was, by far, the hardest change for me to make. And the struggle was not about the calories - it was about the power that I felt this stuff had over me.
It took YEARS - just chipping away at the habit. Not buying the cookies, finding an alternative snack (dark chocolate, which I like, but can easily control portions of), really embracing portion control. And finally, after about 8 years of this, it is not a problem anymore. But, I still do not bring store bought cookies in the house - I still eat too many if I do. I do not bake much anymore, because I still eat too much if it is there.
I have constructed my life to include not having these temptations on hand, and therefore avoiding trouble. I learned to be really honest with myself, and to understand that the “cost” of this habit was too high. The “cost” was not weight, it was mental energy and anguish. As I worked on this piece for myself, I realized that the cookies were not nearly as satisfying as exercising self control over them, nor were they worth the mental energy and sometimes upset stomach that came with them.
The change that is the hardest to make, and often takes the longest to internalize and become a habit, is usually the change that will have the biggest impact. The personal work I did on this piece taught me that I am persistent, and that time and effort brings clarity. As you think about your challenges, what is running you? Sugar? Alcohol? Sedentary behavior? Chips? Fast food?
The cliche is true - the only way to do it is to do it. Practice changing the behavior every day. Throw all of your mental games, self talk, and substitution hacks at it. Keep at it. You can do it.
