January Experiment Part 2
Photo by Emily Bernal on Unsplash
I gave up alcohol for a month. Here’s what I learned.
Over the past few months I had begun to feel like I was drinking more than I wanted. My antennae have always been up around this issue due to the fact that I am the child of two alcoholics. My father struggled with alcoholism for much of his life, and my mother seemed to sort of slip into it little by little when she was in her later 40’s and 50’s. She never drank much as we were growing up but over time her drinking picked up for a variety of complicated reasons.
The experience with my father resulted in my always acting very cautiously around alcohol - mostly I just did not allow myself to drink much. It was never very hard for me to moderate, even in college, and as I moved through my 20’s and 30’s and into my early 40’s it simply was not a factor. I drank very little because it wasn’t important, and because I had other things to do that precluded drinking on any given night - like attend school and sporting events and drive carpool.
And then my children start to drive, they were out at night, then off to college, then out of college and off to adulthood. My husband and I would sit and have a cocktail on Friday and Saturday night. When our youngest started college we started a Wednesday night date night, eating out…getting wine. Then maybe Sunday night - have a drink while watching some game.
Fast forward to having done this for more than 10 years now, mix in a pandemic, and pretty soon I realize that having a cocktail on Friday night is one of the only things I am looking forward to. I would think, well at least on Friday night I will have a cocktail. Then, because there is nowhere to go, nothing much to do on Saturday, why not have a little bourbon after the cocktails? And weeks and months pass.
In our culture, you are an alcoholic or you are not. You have either hit some sort of rock bottom, or there is no problem. I never engaged in or experienced any of the list of things that are traditional markers that you have a problem (drinking alone, binge drinking, blacking out, hangovers, consuming full bottle(s) of wine in one night). But that does not matter…problematic drinking takes many forms, and our conversations around who has a problem and who does not (like many conversations of this type) are filled with judgement, cultural biases, and shame.
For someone like me whose life was deeply impacted by the alcoholism of my parents, I am hyper aware of the problems that come along with drinking too much. Additionally, I am highly attuned to my own levels of alcohol consumption. I found myself feeling slightly uncomfortable with the path I was on - one of feeling like the alcohol was becoming too important, and that I needed to shift the path.
When I started the Whole30 in late December - which does not permit alcohol - I also decided that I did not want to just give up alcohol to comply with that month long program - I wanted to learn more about its’ impact. So I signed up for the very moderately priced January Alcohol Experiment with Annie Grace (she also offers a free version). She is someone who does not drink alcohol because she determined that her life was better without it, and she found her own unique path to that outcome. Annie Grace encourages people to take a step back and examine their relationship with alcohol. That is exactly what I wanted to do.
There were daily videos, a live Q&A every day, and about 3000 people from all over the world offering up their stories and support on a private Facebook group. Although most of the group was comprised of people who were consuming far more alcohol than I was, and had experienced substantial costs in many ways, we shared the same goal - to examine our relationship with alcohol.
I learned very specifically about the how the brain and body are impacted by alcohol, and was surprised by how much I did not know. I learned all the insidious ways our self talk will convince us that we should do something, and that we can change that. I learned that willpower is never enough and we need a lot of tools in our toolbox to use as needed. I learned that support for change is available if you need it. I learned that each person needs to decide what works for them and not just rely on Google or their friends to determine if they need to change their relationship with alcohol in some way.
I gained a great deal of clarity during the month. Stepping back was invaluable and going forward I have decided to moderate by cutting my consumption in half because that feels right to me. Now, when I have a drink, I plan the type and the amount, I savor it, and pay a lot of attention to the nearly automatic urge to have more, and sit through it. When I decide not to have alcohol and I want a “drink” I make myself a mocktail in a nice glass and sit and relax, feeling in control - not like I am somehow missing out or moving along a path with no good endings.
I think there are many women, in particular, who may have a small quiet voice inviting them to take a look at this habit. I say, pay attention - I did and it turned out to an important learning opportunity leading to change.
